I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
