I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize