So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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