true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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