'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
