The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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