Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
