If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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