i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
