So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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