I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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