You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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