I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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