I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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