Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
