You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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