If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
