sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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