so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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