He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
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St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
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If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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