fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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