do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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