Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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