What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
