How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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