One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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