i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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