I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
