I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize