I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
