You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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