Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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