things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
