I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
