conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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