Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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