What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
