dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
