If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
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