i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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