did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize