she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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