The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
