Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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