When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
