Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
