I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
