Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
