So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
