either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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