guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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