hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
