wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
