I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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