i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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