I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
