girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
