god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
