He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
FUCK WHALES
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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