i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
